dude

2008-04-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

when you are bothered, you are bothered..

everything seem so far-fetched to me,

things are not going the way i want them to,

neither is life lively for me anymore...

everything single stuff is in a big heapy mess,

and yet there i am,

being an idiot,

trying to be oblivious to everything around me,

hoping that a miracle will happen...

A FAT HOPE OF MINE!!!

2008-04-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

i remembered the happy times...

ms ng came back today!!!

man, our whole class went nuts!!!

she still the same old her,

but we were just not the same old us...

it's just indescriable, beyond my words...

but the feeling is still the same...

man, i guess i am in ecstasy, my words all schrewd!!!

LOLx

2008-03-27T06:21:00.000-07:00

the joy of life is to appreciate...

maybe for today's post, i will dedicate a post

to none other than our debate trainer!!!

AMANDA!!!!

i just want to say a thank you to all the things that you have done

thanks for the consoling after our loss

thanks for all your wonderful teachings

and thanks for all the things that you have done for us...

you too have been the most helpful, sweetest person...

i doubt we could even have made it past the first round without you...

and yeah!!! the pain have past as you promised

seem like every debater will, as you said...

and everything's ok again:p

photos will be uploaded soon...

look forward to seeing you SOON!!!

2008-03-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

the pain will pass, but the scars remain...

without those debate training,

there seem to be a missing crater in my life....

hmm, i really miss those days,

those times when we sit together and discuss together

although a week have even yet to pass...

i guess good things are never meant to last

everything just seem like a fairytale

started so amazingly, and ended so abruptly...

in life, i think

we win some and lose some

maybe i am a little too hard on myself...

at least i know i got a new sister:p

hope we keep in contact though!!!

2008-03-23T05:39:00.000-07:00

a beautiful chapter reluctantly ended, and a dawn of something new

my speech, my script, my rebuttals

totally a fucked-up piece of shit

i screwed up, yeah!!!

how stupid of me...

totally embarrasing, totally bad

just utterly dumb!!!

what a big let-down!!!

i knew i could have....

nah, STOP IT!!!

I SUCK!!!

yeah!!!

like totally....

2008-03-20T05:49:00.000-07:00

i am no longer what i was, i changed....

no one was by my side

when my whole life came crashing on me...

i was left all alone

and always thought it was a nightmare

when i woke up in the middle of the night

and yet,

i never really thought that i'd be left alone

house used to be a bubbly place,

and again it changed...

everything's drained

colours all gone

pure monotony....

i am so used to this quietness already

and so used to keeping everything within me

maybe i will die of combustion, someday

but again who cares...

everyone thinks i am

trying to be an emotional kid

trying to be an attention seeker

no one ever understand my turbulence

and the tears that i shed

and the fact is, i no longer care abt what u guys think

undeniably,

i changed...

p.s. ain't no one in the globe i 'd rather see

2008-03-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Memories are always meant to be beautiful

2008-03-17T06:43:00.000-07:00

when all u ask for is something simple, it's in fact not that simple

if ever i were made to make a choice
i will choose no....

pessimism?
yeah, perhaps it is because of this very word after all...

ever wonder about the nightmares that this word can conjure?
ever question what it takes to rescue you from the depths of darkness?

and yet this very thing is etched in my very soul...
like a symbioses stuck to it's master
like a slave bound to it's chains....

2008-03-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

when things are gone, they are gone...

i cant bear to leave...
the feeling of saying goodbye is always so bitter...
it always leave me in despair
and yet it's always beyond my control...

i don't wanna want this to happen again

2008-03-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

in my route of self-realization, i have to let go of my emotions...

life is a cycle, one of give and take
one to realize, the simplicity of everything
one to understand and accept

the equation is never balanced,
you must lose to take, and to take and lose
one which belong will always belong
one which don't never will
take what which belong and leave what which dosen't...

before hatred comes, try hard to love
before the problem arises, try to observe
in every observation yield a solution...

in every perfection, comes a loophole
in every belief comes a question
in every new day, comes a new problem
in every problem, try to let go

p.s everything is something abstract, simplicity is everything (devotion)

2008-03-03T01:50:00.000-08:00

Trust is something impossible to ask for

for a moment, i thought i found a friend,
but only for that solitary moment, no more
i am flabbergasted, seriously,
but not due to this matter of trust
which have bewitched me for the whole of my wretched life

sometimes, i hope people are aware of my limitations
my momentary silence does not imply my ignorance
and yet this silence i maintained
is starting to become a Achilles heel for people to pounce on
just dun ever think i do not give a FRIGGIN' DAMN...

p.s
JACQUELINE!!! stay strong erh!!friends 4eva

p.s.s
if u cant grab hold of someone you love, then let go, dun ever think it is someone's fault...
if you did what you already done, why should u feel threatened!!!

2008-02-25T04:34:00.000-08:00

as i wait while the time ticked by, there were still no response

maybe i am not the only one, but it hurts when nothing is said
the hostility is chilling me out, why don't you ever ask?
i waited for the whole day, for you to conjure up something...
but my hope faded off when the time struck twelve
yet another day of futile wishing was destroyed...

i wonder if you really do know me at all?
and ask if you were ever concerned about my emotions?
why do my friends always make the first move faster than u?
you are supposed to be my first source of help,
and now you are relegated to something which is nothing near?
don't you ever feel ashame of yourself?
you think you are always right erh?

i do not want things to be this way,
but when crying start to become something of a normality to me,
i believe some thing's not right,
it is hard to shed things off like it never happened,
but yet i have to do that all the time...

p.s. there you have it rachel, thank you!!!

2008-02-21T02:07:00.000-08:00

As i lie awake at night, i see things black and white

it is beyond my control, beyond my choice...
i have got no idea how i got myself into this heap of mess
it's just utterly messy!!! GAa-AAAh!!!

my emotions spinning out of my grasp (sorry to ppl who have put up with my moodiness)
and i have got no idea how to cover the wound deep within me
every time i laugh, somewhere within me seem reluctant
every time i try to put on a brave front, it hurts alot inside...

every night, i lie awake and pray
i hope someone will discover my turbulence
lend me that helping hand
to wipe off my endless tears
and tell me every thing's alright

And sometimes all i ask for
is just a little encouragement...

the tears are welling up deep inside,
the wound is tearing inside out

P.S thanks buddies... specially to u, yuehua (for the potion) and jacq (for your presence)!! LOLx

2008-02-17T03:55:00.000-08:00

support is all i need, it's just that simple

my wound cuts like a knife whenever you torment me...
you never know that i cried deep in the night...
for all the stress and burden that i am sailing through
and yet in this exhausting journey
i am left all alone to ward off my frantic troubles
which rooted from a place nearest to me

the false front i put on is for a wish that
one day my perseverance will pull through
and dawn the start of joyous truly happy family

the support you gave me is one of your imagination
it never exist, it is a expanding illusion
which i hope you will wake urself out from
before i lead myself astray and sought love
from the source that i know you dread

i promise that,
i will never want your support again
NEVER AGAIN ALL MY LIFE
i will derived my strength from my own pillar
embrace myself with my own support
and expel my dependence with my independence

you will regret what you done, i swear
you will never be the same to me ever again

the love i have for you is in smithereens which can never be mended

2008-02-13T05:09:00.000-08:00

if it is not destined to happen, it will not happen...

heard some fact and news from nike-imposer today, totally shocked after hearing those news,
sometimes i think people who have power, who are in the higher management, they tend to
commit malicious and disgusting acts which put in total contrast of what we expect from someone
who is of a higher part of the career ladder. to say the least, i am totally shell-shocked, completely stunned till i am speechless to the depths of my very soul. i never expect myself to end up in that pile of shit, not in my wildest of dreams. i never thought i will end up in that list, to ever considered to become 'expelled' from the 'order'. darn, i hope the next time, another miracle will happen and save me from this audacity like this time. hopefully it wont ever encounter me ever again. i was a person who used to accept only miracle, now i believe in failure. the feeling of downfall is approaching me, and i have no single idea of how to drag myself out of this catastrophe and stop myself in my continuous downward arc...

As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
And I realize that everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take some time out to apologize for things i done....

sorry to everyone whom i ever offended
sorry to everyone who have to put up with my fcuked up attitude
sorry to everyone who i never care about
sorry to everyone....

2008-02-08T04:44:00.001-08:00

88 words

2008-02-06T21:04:00.000-08:00

a sparkle in the bright light

2008-02-03T05:43:00.001-08:00

i am a boring person, that will never change

as i grow, i find that my bubbly character is deserting me...
i wonder if that is because of my coming of age
or is it just due the stress that have been befalling on me
like a giant avalanche

as i grow, i find that i am losing myself
the last time that i really laugh is now a distant memory
i do not want to be out casted
but the prospect of that happening seem to increasE with every passing day

as i grow, i can feel death creeping nearer to me
what is going going to happen after death?
the thought of that fascinate me
will we be transported to another dimension between heaven and hell
and who knows, after i die, i will be reincarnated into a Martian,
maybe a lonely one too

as i grow, i find the colours slipping away
like my days have been bleached
it's weird, they feel like
they have been derived of the usual brightness
and in place of them is the scary dullness

I AM LOSING IT!!!
u got me going crazy...

2008-01-31T04:48:00.000-08:00

none other January...

the commercial shooting day!!! no one's got the facts like we do!!! LOLx
the ladies in the caps advertisment!!the WhacKiest BirthDay ParTy of SATHIA!!!

the SURPRISE of the BIRTHDay!!!the war of the POOL!!! friggin wet all over all the way home!!!

the souvenirs from the juniors of the explorers my unique chemical mixed by the man myself!!!

the monk drew BY aYh!!!
a gift for me:P

the revamped SC room!!! a product from a whole lot of effort invested by us!!!
our beloved ms tang!!! we will miss you presence sooner than we expect.... wish you all the best in your foray into the editorial board!!!

2008-01-30T03:28:00.000-08:00

'i am far from perfect...'

I am at my wits end

I do not know how to solve my troubles

To get myself out of my misery

It’s VeXiNg me out

I am burdened with stress

Will y’all please SPARE me?

My blank stare is leading to no conclusion

But there is really nothing else I can do

My intelligence is failing me

Hopes are counting on me

Yet I am completely helpless

I wanted to be oblivious to everything around

But this will blow out your last straw

I AM AWARE OF THAT

However I am totally juiced out…

Tell me what to do...

L'aide de mai viennent à moi

2008-01-28T04:06:00.000-08:00

Do I Even Know Myself?

So say that we know ourselves better than others do…

But I don’t seem to know myself at all

Am I a sickening bastard that people can’t wait to slaughter?

Or am I a mad beast that friends can’t wait to get rid off?

Somehow or rather, I feel that I am a burden to everyone

I supposed no one want to be with me

Getting all touchy whenever I am around…

Je pense que je suis un diable yeux dans mes amis des'

I hope all these is only what I fear
and not a solitary truth that I dare not face

2008-01-27T05:35:00.000-08:00

'another day has gone, i stood all alone......'

I've never been able to expel the feeling of loneliness
it is a scary feeling, the emptiness and blankness

every time i sit and ask myself
do true friends ever exist?
and i never ever have an answer to that.

am i expecting too much?
or is it just wishful thinking to ever have a true friend
i hope 'friends' is not something that exist only in fairy tales

2008-01-25T06:34:00.000-08:00

"Shrouded by uncertainty throughout my entire journey..."

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Will You Be There?

Weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human...

In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
In My Anger
And My Sorrows
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part

For You're Always In My Heart....

2008-01-23T04:25:00.000-08:00

"Every damn day is the same shade of Grey"

Hey
I used to have a little bit of a plan for my life
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo,
what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to BREAK FREE and
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me
Just like that
Now you've got a face to pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape

please do hold me
like the River Jordan
And i will then say to thee
you are my friend....

2008-01-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

this post is for punks who keeps saying bad things behind me

"before you hate me, try hard to love me..."

i am not a fool, and pls do not treat me like one
filthy punks, just shut up, thank you

the measure of a man is in his magnitude of his ability to forgive and handle situations...
do u think you can beat me in that?

come on
shut up.. just shut up :)

and for you ppl who just cant resist the temptation of talking behind my back,
kindly shoot it right up onto my face, not behind me...

and pls do not feel friggin' happy abt it and think i know not a single dumb shit of it!!!

in case u do not know, that's a making of a weakling... you're worthless if u do that!!

before you ever judge anyone, please do judge yourself!!

2008-01-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

THE FIRST EVER EXPLORERS' CAMP ENDED!!!

what can i say about this camp? i thought it was awesome:p

well, my job for the camp was basically one of a transporter!!! hahax
shifting things here and there!!!

BOOx!! A.P was supposed to help me but he walked out on me...
LOLx

at least, he did help me a small little tiny weeny bit!!
moving 3 canteen tables!!!!!
and guess what, he moved all the canteen table himself!!!
AMAZING, the MACHO MAN did it with a standing ovation from everyone in the CAnTeeN.
a little limelight for the ever-hotty MacHo mAn!!

and, all the way till the night, there was loads of laughter and smiles!!!
nurul, yuehua and i went to J.P to collect the eXpenSive camp tee!!!
(groans) at least it is NICE(cheers)

if the afternoon was not wacky enough, the NIGHT promised to be a whole lot beta!!!
OMG!!! P.A!!!!
A.P and I shifted a big biggy plant from the corridor into the toilet cause
we thought the toilet was to suffocating... LOLx
but it sure looks nice in that flooded toilet:P
what a time of fun during P.A!!!
beijing olympics in the toilet!!!!
hahax! for all the wet joy in the toilet, we were left trembling the moment we left the toilet,
thanks to the cold breeze of the night!!! GAh-gaZ

almost forgot about the night walk!!!
that was absoulety pure nightwalkish( what is that!?!) !!!
i was screaming like a ghost i guess...
hahax, izzy, C tong and i were like blowing unblowable balloons all the way out to the night.
who cares, man that was fun, blew balloons only to know they were not required!!
Tootpaste galore was in place throughout the entire event..
who could have forgotten about that!!!
to think i was cursed to have eternal sore throat by the camper when i screamed at their ear!!!
what the hack was that!@#$!@#$!@% hahax!!!

the crappy me pop in a cute phrase during the debrief as well!!
know why u must have endurance?
cause it helps in constipation!!!
OMFG!!!! i cant believe i said that!!!

the nocturnal life at midnight was like -_-""
dots, for people who are puzzled about wads nocturnal life is,
it is a name to make initiation sound explorer-ish!!

the next day was fun-filled, like duh!!!
the P.T, and everything, who else could have forgotten about S.B.B( aka stand by bunk)
nightmarish for some, i guess!!

after the camp ended!!!
A.P popped out with a nice joke at the expense of himself!!
A.P became ELMO!!!
super funny!!! highlight of the camp!!!

soon, we started cleaning up the mess we made!!!
at the end, we ended up spraying water at each other!!
poor UMMU, i mis-aimed the water at her!!
and her undies was like unfortunately wet!!!
hahax, sorri:(

went to mac after the whole hilarious cleaning up was over!!!
went home with eileen:)
talked abt a couple of stuff!!

and when i reached home,
POOF!!!
i am dead:D

explorers camp committee!!!

2008-01-17T05:36:00.000-08:00

"helping is a graceful act"

many people do not embrace and care about helpfulness
i always thought that being helpful is the most basic and gracious thing a human can do...
it appears it me i am terribly wrong

but now, that is no longer important
it appears to me that human aren't the only helpful being
sometimes, even animals do care for each other...
a while ago,
i happened to bump into a dead crow on the road...

a really pitiful sight to behold just to say the least
to have a death caused by a cruel stampede by a car
instead, it is not the cause of the incident which strike me the most
rather, it is the sudden congregation of crow around the dead crow
which really puzzled and bewildered me
after a brief stun and a moment of thought
it appears to me that a 'funeral' of that crow is taking place....
the crows have gathered in a wide circle swirling around the dead crow..
the mourns of those crows were deafening
it was as if they were bidding goodbye to that dead crow
their loyal companion once, their friend before.

even little animals like birds show compassion to their buddies...
the question is does human show compassion for each other when it really matters?

it appears that my choice seems to be otherwise...

2008-01-12T02:05:00.001-08:00

a start of a wonderful journey to come....

THE ARENA!!! STAR SQUAD:p

shaping up after the make-up

the glamourous STARs

the shirts with look like air hostress of the CHINA airlines!!! LOLx
team pose?

the prints after the pizzas(delicious)!!

the beginning

2008-01-11T06:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder why things are due in absolute…

Won’t there ever be a maybe, a possibility for you to fall back on

A decision maker will never understand how it feels, do they?

Well technically, they were once supposed to be bound by decisions made

But, either they are too lazy to bother, or they just do not know how it feels, which really do bother me to say the least

A wrong decision will lead to a awful depression if the decision made is a god damn ABSOLUTE

Can’t decision makers ever spare a feeling for us people who are circumscribed by decision?

At least give us an alternative, another lifeline to get us out of a catastrophe which u think is a jolly blessing for us…

I am restricted by decisions
and i am sick and tired of it
Worn out by the absurd gibberish of those f*****s

bloody decisions

2008-01-10T06:33:00.000-08:00

i never wanted to say this, never wanted to admit it...
but i realized that it is time to keep in check with reality
to differentiate between the rights and the wrongs...

i was so cavalier to take things for granted
to let things slip away from my foolish hand
all thanks to my damned indecision and cursed pride

And I don't know,
whether to laugh or cry
whether to live or die

but it just cuts like a knife....

it really do hurt
each pierce and each sting
i can feel it, i really can...

GRRR!! I am A STupId FrEak!!!

2008-01-06T04:18:00.000-08:00

i hate to FaLL!! i hate to FaIL!!

why have all the words that lead to my suffering always start with a f***ing "F"

i have fallen again...

a fall always causes bruises after a loud "thud"...

it is what happen after the loud thud that determine what u are...
it is how u recover that show people what u are made off...
it is where u fall on that effect the outcome....

i am afraid of falling down...
that feeling, that chill, that emptiness always leave me scarred
a scar that is etched onto me which results in a phobia
an irremovable fear of dread and horror

i am embroiled in a state of metamorphosis
a state that is changing me, perhaps for good
it is driving me on the brink of insanity....

am i still what i am?

2007-12-31T08:16:00.000-08:00

is it time for be to start being my real self?
that self that i never wanted to acknowledge, never wanted to show.
the uncertainty within me, the anger inside me..
it is brewing, boiling and soon it will spill over
but i find no reasons or explaination to these
maybe i really nid a break, a respite, a rest
no, that would be like escaping like a coward
it dosen't solve any problem, does not clear my mind
i will inevitably end up puzzled, confused and vexed
like i am not already am now...
is that self a mask which have grown into me

damn, just what's happening to me?

ds

2006-10-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

if i were to go on hiatus, i swear i will end up in the asylum.
i thank God for the founders of online journals.

i have sorted my thoughts out.
no one knows if i had been crying through the night.
nobody will pity and cry for me, i have to stand up for myself.
never be serious for everything, and i mean anything, everything.
you seriously have no idea what's on their minds, do u?

i do not wish to rake up whatever that concerns the past, no point.
i won't look back, i don't wanna inflict great hurt and cause much self destruction to myself.
what is done, is done. i can't turn back time, can i? i wish i could ):
i never once regret what i've done but if i were to die at this very right moment,

you are my biggest regret.